Notes of a Southern Belle.

My world was centuries of inherited acrimony at the atomic level — a sinister mix of Epigenetics, Conditioning, and Circumstance gone awry and somehow connected to the womb. A very particular form of indoctrinated helplessness and simultaneous drive to perfection.

What can only be described as an existential devotion to optimization and simultaneous fetishization of my own infantilization, which I offered on the altar of Love in exchange for survival:

I’d trade you a Lifetime for a pat on the ass and a pill to wash it down — whatever prevented the too close examination of the situation. The result was a kind of Stockholm Syndrome compounded by fear of reprisal. The Golden Ticket of Privilege, that is the Southern Belle, in hindsight, was the beginning of my downfall.

origin.

I learned early that Love was something which could be gained, bartered, bought, and lost. Love was something ‘out there’ and ‘other.’ Instead of looking for Love within myself, as something intrinsic to myself, I put myself ‘out there’ as a product, into a world which defined me in terms of Profit, Power, and Sin.

I took great care in the dissembling of myself. By decided effort, I managed to forget, whatever it was necessary to forget, to consciously induce sleep when needed, to twist and bend the very fiber of my being until nothing was real anymore, inside or out.

Then, something unexpected happened. Little by little, I began to feel a bit strange. A bit more put off than usual. A bit more unamused than was previously tolerable. At first, I tried desperately to persuade myself that this unrest was just a passing phase. I tried to carry on as I always had, but something within me simply would not capitulate. I simply could no longer manage to come up with any kind of convincing argument for continuing to exist in a world that wasn’t real, in a manner that wasn’t real.

Working in Kink as Industry, and entering that shadowy corridor of collective consciousness as Dominatrix, is a means to uncover the pathologies of indoctrination within myself, in order to counter-hegemonically imagining myself differently: developing new skills, experiences, and awareness around verb-oriented, embodied ideals of Self-Determination and Empowerment.